I am here

So, I just read this post and it got me thinking. This lady just wrote what I have been pondering for a while now.

Back when Liam was a disaster at feeding and even worse (what’s worse than a disaster?) at sleeping I would ‘wake up’ (I actually never slept, let’s be honest) every morning and just remind myself it’s a new day. A fresh start.  Maybe today Liam will figure out how to latch.  Maybe today he will fall asleep and actually stay asleep long enough so I can sleep.  Maybe today I’ll win the ‘perfect baby’ lottery.  Everyday.  For weeks.  My husband would need reminding that we are starting afresh.  That this 800th time we are entering into the nursery is actually the first time for this day.  A new day.  He never quite grasped it.

11 months later and there are occasions I still have to do this.  Days when I wake from my non-sleeping trance and convince myself that a new day has come. That all the ‘behaviours’ and ‘issues’ and ‘bull-shit’ (yes I said it!) from yesterday are done, and today is a new day.  If there is bull-shit in today – it is new shit, not a continuation.  Sometimes I even let myself believe it is surprise shit… just to save my sanity.

Anyways, my point being I convinced myself that every new day (which by the way only starts after 6am… any issues before that time and from the day previous) starts Carpe Diem.  New day. New outlook. New zest for life. It’s got me this far.  I can still get out of bed (if my body actually gets the chance to get into one) with a bounce and smile when I enter into my day thinking ‘it’s a new day’.  I do this!  No shitting.

Why do I do this?  Because it’s not fair to Liam if I don’t. It’s not fair to walk into his nursery and not be the happiest person he’s seen all day.  It’s not fair for him to start his day continuing on what may have ended his yesterday.  He’s just a kid.  He doesn’t know how completely exhausting it is to meet his every demand and every hour of the day. He doesn’t know that not sleeping for more than 3 consecutive hours for more than a year can seriously affect your memory, verbal and motor skills.  He doesn’t know.  He’s just a kid.

Am I bitter?  Did that come out wrong?  No.  I am blessed. I am blessed to have a child who wants nothing more than to spend every hour of the darkness in his parents arms.  I am blessed to have a little boy who smiles on demand, who runs away from me to go read books.  I am blessed to have a child who is curious and smart and silly and who has a fantastic sense of humour.  Blessed.

So, back to the article.  I too have been annoyed at the constant comments about ‘enjoy these times, they go by so fast’.  Seriously… no one in the entire world (save my husband) is any more keenly aware of how fast my son’s life is passing by.  No one.  I am reminded weekly as I gather with our moms group about just how much he has grown this year.  He went from laying on his belly and napping through the entire play group to now walking, rolling, yelping, screeching, talking, wrestling, eye poking, hair pulling, book reading, animal identifying, floor food scavenging mania.  I am completely aware of these ‘times’ and how they are ‘a changing’.

Now, her take on the Chronos vs Kairos times I found compelling.  I have been engaged in this without knowing.  Just today I watched, reeeeeaaaallly watched as Liam flipped through a book.  The way his fingers gripped the page, the way his eyes scanned the pictures, the way his mouth moved like he was silent reading words he’s never learned.  I watched as he curled his toes whenever he saw a picture of a dog and I saw the actual moment when he connected a picture of an alligator with the sign for alligator. I saw that.  Not just noticed – saw. I also saw the joy in his eyes when he looked up at me with such pride that he alone just figured that out. I love those moments.  LOVE them. If I could video tape his whole life (ala the Truman Show) I totally would.  As it is, I am a gold card-carrying Mommarazzi. I can’t imagine ‘recording’ any more of his life than I already do.

But, point being – I am there.  My gift to my son is that I am there.  Not just in the room.  Not just watching, playing, supervising.  I am there.  That moment when he made his brain do something new.  That moment when his cognitive function kicked it up a notch, I was there. I shared in that bliss with him.  There is no way he would be able to ‘tell’ me he just learned that, I had to see it for myself.  And I did.

I too collect Kairos moments in every day. That is how I know I am a good Mom.  Not because I do crafts, or take him a to a hundred different classes and experiences, or buy him trendy clothes, or keep his house clean, or buy him toys.  Not because I try to engage him in learning opportunities at every point in the day. Not because I stay up all night just to make sure he sleeps. Not because I drink teas and take pills and eat ‘right’ so he can nurse. Not because I would give up everything just so he can have anything.  I am a good Mom because I am there.  Present.

I don’t need that affirmed.  I know.  It’s my gift to my son. That, and Carpe Diem.


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